Sam, Jesse and I went to see Dawes in Lincoln last Tuesday. It was awesome.
It feels good to write a song just because it makes you happy. It’s funny to think about how creating something that serve no other purpose than to remember when you were fascinated by a movie poster of a movie you have no intention of seeing.
I reflected to my husband the other day that it feels good to be alive on the days when I feel like I don’t have to try so hard. Those days when you give yourself a break and not fret over what’s not getting done or what you’ve still got on your plate that needs your attention before the sun goes down. I’d love to find that place where I live somewhere in between the responsibility and the freedom of just being. I know it’s out there because there are days when I feel it. The problem is that is can feel so foreign on the days when I’m weighed down by all my shortcomings and imperfections.
So I wrote this dumb song about a dumb movie poster. And I recorded and posted it on Facebook because it’s part of my method. For me, it’s an act of raising my hand and saying, “Here!” I looked back on the video and I have bedhead and an ugly/tired looking face, but that’s part of it. I post it for roll call even when I think I look bad. That’s the point. It’s to say, “I’m allowed to be here even when I’m not presentable.” It’s an act of wholeness.
Wholeness. The idea that there’s nothing I can add to my worth or take away from my worth no matter what my days look like, no matter how I look at myself or how the world looks at me. Not goodness, but wholeness.
I wrestle with it all the time, but I want to lean into it more as I move forward. I want to lean into the freedom I have of realizing who I am completely without a grade from someone else, or a grade from myself. Just be me.
Jesse turned 13. I think a “Let’s Party” hat would help center me in wholeness every day. I should borrow it from him.
I know people around me who are really good at it. I see them and admire them and wonder at their freedom. I’d like to try and practice it too.
So I wrote a dumb song and posted it on social media because I’m allowed to. I probably should’ve gone on a run, but instead, I dinked around on a guitar. Now what are you putting off and trading in favor of some chore you think is better or more worthy?
There’s a balance between responsibility and freedom. It’s somewhere out there. We can find it together and shine more brightly when we do. Have a great week!