““Augustine suddenly came to realize that the solution to his problem would only come after a transformation more fundamental than any he had previously entertained, a renunciation of the very idea that he could be the source of his own solution.””
It's pancakes and boys in their underpants and sunshine streaming in through the kitchen window (that has a hairline crack from top to bottom but whatever). I'm in my jammies at my place at the table, drinking the coffee, living the dream and writing this blog.
Here are some things:
Tuesday outside of Omaha. Soundcheck had us sweating buckets wishing we had some Steven Tyler sweat towels. By the time the show started the sun had gone behind the clouds and 5 songs in we were pulling chair from the audience up onto the stage hoping we could all get out of the rain and finish the show from there. But the thunder and lightning didn't care that we were game for playing on. They made themselves known and we were allowed to sing one more song then call it a night. It was fun while it lasted.
Wednesday the boys and I headed into Lincoln for rulers and big pink erasers, folders and both college rule and wide. We got shorts for the kid who has no shorts, we got a haircut for the kid who needed one, some trumpet oil for the other and we celebrated with lunch at The Village Inn. Free pie on Wednesdays. I love that place.
Thursday night at the watering hole where we always meet. The night went on and the talking got deep and thinking back on it now, I'm surprised at how it took so long to get to the heart of the matter. The heart of the matter is the love of God, the grace of God and the mercy of God. It's not about trying harder. If trying harder were the way to fix our problems, then our problems would be fixed. Who hasn't started new days, new weeks, new years and new months resolved to try harder or be different? What if our weakness didn't have a bearing on how much we are loved and how much we are able to love? What if being transformed meant looking out instead of looking in?
It was 1am. I was reading emails and eating cereal and I realized that words of encouragement I spoke to my friends were the words of encouragement I needed to hear.
Now it's Friday morning. I'm here in my jammies looking out a cracked window at a garden where my weeds grow and I'm thankful that I don't have to come up with strength and commitment that I don't have in order to make it from day to day. Sticky pancake plates, cracked windows and weeds will always be around in some way or other. I'll try and then fail and then cry and then wonder what I'm doing. The gigs will get cancelled because the rain will roll in and the trip to Lincoln will bring pie and fights in the back seat. I'm going to look to the One who holds me and keeps me and says to me when I least expect it, "My love, my grace and my mercy are bigger than all this stuff you think can hurt you. Don't look to yourself for strength. Look to me. I got this."