It’s glorious outside. The sun is shining, there is dew on the grass, the grass is peppered with the reds and golds and browns of falling leaves and I’ve got so many pumpkins on my front porch I can barely get to the front door. Winning.
The boys are off doing litter pick up along the highway and Jon is working on a wedding sermon. Just a typical Saturday for the Dunbars.
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written. I’ve been half growing and half hiding, half soaring and half quitting, but getting closer to a resolve to walk away for good from the ups and downs of self-doubt. Why? Because it’s exhausting. And a waste of time. And I’m over it.
I’ve been thinking about my truest self, I’ve been stepping into her shoes more often these days. I’ve been thinking about the hard stuff, the hold outs, the parts of me that, if they change, then things will really get crazy. But it’s time. It’s time to work on that money work. It’s time to work on that whole body work. It’s time to rewrite all the stories, not just some of them. I think if they all get re-written then the retreat into old habits and comfortable clothing will be harder and harder to do. That’s what I’m shooting for.
Over here it’s Christmas EPs and processing apples, it’s getting ready to take six kids paintballing, it’s cleaning the kitchen just so it can get dirty again five minutes later, it’s album artwork, and concert series, and money questions and being a good steward of all the things God has given me.
I’m thinking about honesty, wholeness, family, my super cool recording rig, the prospect of buying a new guitar, why I’m a bad gardener, getting the oil changed on the van, when these fruit flies will finally die, cleaning out my closet, throwing everything away, getting my nails done, playing more music, yoga, yoga breathing, friendship and how we’re going to get it all done.
Maybe we get it done, maybe we don’t. But you know what? Today is gorgeous. It’s so beautiful outside. Did I mention the wind stopped blowing? Who cares what the kitchen looks like, the dirt road is calling you to take a walk, to breathe in deep, to ponder that big blue sky and imagine yourself expanding into it like a hot air balloon.
Last night we shared another beautiful night of music at the Olde Glory Theatre in Seward. Familiar faces, new faces, volunteers who help when the call goes out. It was wonderful. Leading up to it I was so stressed and worried. I felt like I was coming up short. And then the lights went down and I got to sing some songs and then I had the even better thrill of sitting in the dark listening to Sarah sing amazing songs to break my heart wide open and I forgot the lack. I forgot the worry. I silenced all those voices yelling in my ear and I let the evening be a gift. Right there in that moment.
The moment. Where does it find you? What is it offering you instead of nagging you to do? Time to think? Time to dream? Time to look upon all those good gifts and smile? I hope so.
I’ve missed you. I’ll see you again soon.