Energetic equalizing. I just made it up. I’m not sure what it means, but what I wanted to say was that sometimes I’m feeling it and sometimes not. And by ‘it’ I mean energetic momentum and by ‘not’ I mean those days when my real life and me are far apart. The equalizing thing has something to do with making peace with both without making low days mean you’re doing it wrong and without making energetic momentum seem like a non-renewable resource that has us racing against the clock.
Which is part of why I’m rewatching the former NBC network television mid-level situational comedy, “Community.” That thing rules. I love it so much. What does it mean to watch a show from 2012 and reminisce on those days being simpler times? What does it mean to notice the collective shift into darker rage over the past ten years and wish we could go back in time? When mild to moderate anxiety/depression is the new normal, bring on the sitcoms and bless the college campus revival. We have nothing to lose at this point. What if ‘hope’ weren’t something to sneer at, but something we acknowledge as a down deep down longing that may help? What if healing weren’t sneered at as a pipe dream, but seen as a down deep down longing that is within reach no matter the day, no matter the hour, no matter how bad this place gets?
I’m flying to California. I’m going to see my family. I’m leaving my sons and husband with a grocery list and godspeed. I’m taking walks in the forest, I’m putting in minutes on the bike, I’m going back to doing sit ups in the basement like it’s 2012.
I’m working on my bravery, I’m working on my wardrobe, I’m plunking down money on my dreams coming true. I’m letting it be messy, I’m trying to get closer when closeness is a thing that terrifies me sometimes. I’m hoping for better weather, I’m building it up slowly like reps of sit ups in the basement and minutes on the bike. I’m letting go of old thinking but sometimes new thoughts won’t obey me and I fall back into patterns energetically unequalized.
So here’s to a Thursday and here’s to a process and here’s to you trusting you’re in the right place. You’re in the right place and that place won’t get smaller, it’ll get bigger as you expand into who you will become. I’ll be cheering for you from my side where I’m working on my bravery, working on my wardrobe while I’m working on getting my energetic equalized.