Over here in New Jersey I am consistently astounded by the rainy days, the sunny ones, the lack of snow, the ability to walk outside and not get swept away. Speaking of sweeping, that’s a lot of what I did yesterday and that, along with the floors, I’m also sweeping all the thought clutter inside my brain into one dusty pile and trying to throw it away, but of course, it’s not as easy as all that.
The house is clean I made sure of it. Giving myself the gift of open windows and Fabuloso, Comet in the kitchen sink and Cake on the playlist I let my meditation practice involve paper towels and buckets of hot water, the vacuum cleaner and time. Time to move through the space clearing, cleaning, resetting, intending to take it as a lesson beyond the chore list into the work of this moment.
“Who would you be without the thought?” It is the fourth step in The Work of Byron Katie and it is a real brain puzzle. It almost seems audaciously arrogant to think of a life where I don’t walk around with “I’m not good enough” rolling around the backseat or “I could increase my value as a person if only I were more organized and more suited to repetitive tasks.” You mean there’s a reality I can experience where self-doubt isn’t cutting me off at the pass every other pass? Who would I be then? Well, I guess I’d go to the grocery store without judging myself about going to the grocery store. I guess I’d write songs and not judge myself around whether or not I should be writing songs. I guess I’d allow myself to be this version of myself without trying to fight for the opposing side when I had a minute. Well, what would that be like?
All of which to say, I am deep into the coaching and thought work these days, my friends. This is an intense road and I’m thankful that I’ve been in it for a while otherwise I might not be so at peace with being so vulnerable and uncovering my guts on a zoom call on a weekly basis.
And I’m loving every minute.
I listened to this podcast recently of a coach talking about how seriously she takes the coaching she receives. She was explaining that, if she gets coaching, she is for damn sure taking it all in, learning from it, applying it, believing it and using it to change her life- not just when she feels like it, but always. It really struck me and had me noticing how much coaching I’ve received that I haven’t used. How much coaching have I asked for and valued, but then didn’t take seriously enough to wrestle with for days on end until I figured out how to make it part of my new reality? Like a lot.
And now I’m think into it again after being a fair weather friend and it’s as deliciously bananas as I had hoped it would be. Molecular changes, the rewiring of the central nervous system, deep thought unlearning paired with body compass reading paired with some woo woo magic that I think lines up real good with the mystery of the gospel.
Who would I be without the thought? I’d spend more time believing and less time doubting. Would the believing be imperfect and messy? Of course it would. Would the believing start working on my darker parts so that the darkness didn’t seem like such a big deal? I think it would. I really do. Why do I think that? I’ve done it and it’s worked. It really has. And I could do it some more and it would work even more and probably, as I’m experiencing, break my brain on the way there.
They say you get to choose your discomfort. Either stick with the discomfort of staying the same or try out the discomfort of becoming something else. I know both. I choose the latter. Every time I’ll choose the latter, but not everybody is like me. And that’s a cool thing too.
I think I was born to be a keeper of dreams and hopefulness and tomorrows. Others have been born to be keepers and lovers of tradition and honoring the yesterdays. That’s cool too. Some are the keepers of facts and figures and others are leapers, others are protectors while there are some who can cannot resist the call coming from beyond the city walls. I never in a million years thought I’d become one of the planners because I spent so many years running in the opposite direction but here we are. If I’ve learned anything between house cleanings it’s that God will turn us into the people He wants us to become and sometimes he won’t ask for our feedback. And that’s cool too.
Fear will turn us into people we never wanted to become too only it’s harder to root out hidden in the shadows. Doubt and cynicism and hopelessness are on the field looking for souls to devour and that’s a thing too. I will call those enemies of life and living. I will call those dangerous bedfellows. Who would we be without them? What are we willing to become instead? Here’s a roll of paper towels and some window cleaner to help you think.
High five.