I’m leaving for Germany and Scotland Tour in the middle of the month. Before that is start of high school, marching band, football Friday night lights, plan the Women’s Breakfast, go meet other parents at the Marching band social, write five songs, stop eating carbs, practice, scare up some merch, learn, walk, breathe, vacuum, dream dreams, go to church, fantasize of burning all my clothes and getting new ones, consider the role of overalls on the European continent, listen to ‘Free Fall’ by Cory Branan one million times, try to memorize ‘99 Luftballons” and “Flugzeuge im Bauch” to sing as covers, coach, probably thaw some meat for dinner menus, probably go to Walmart for school supplies, practice my set, listen and practice German every day, pray to the Lord I pull off yet another crazy plan that seems bananas right now and cue the very last minute panic attack right before leaving where I’m like, “What was I thinking? Why am I going? This is insane. I’ m insane. This is nuts.” And then go, have an adventure with my friend Katie, get to see my dear friends and thank God for lives lived, songs sung, planes flown, new places, beers embibed and then come home.
Of all those things, memorizing cover songs in German might be the hardest. Second place is making desserts I signed up to make for the football team’s pre-game meal. I’ve made cookies one million times but every time they need to go public, I get real up in my head.
And speaking of being up in my head…..I heard recently that falling in love with stuff too much was a sign of being messed up so now I’ve got that to worry about. How is falling in love with people, places and things a bad thing? I guess I’ve got some work to do on a brokenness I didn’t even know was a problem. I didn’t know that sound healthy people don’t fall in love with stuff except for once and don’t get too excited. I guess I’m guilty of getting overly excited. I am very guilty of falling in love with stuff. I thought that was what we were supposed to do and now I hear it’s just another symptom of unhealthy people? Dang it. Can’t a sister catch a break?
And to think I liked that part of me. I like falling in love with interesting people and interesting places and trying new things and discovering cool stuff. One might say I built my life around those things. Case in point: Germany and Scotland, New York and Women’s Breakfasts, Jam Sunday afternoons and writing songs, retreats and conferences.
In the Comedia d’ell Arte there are fixed characters and one of those characters is the fool. Among the cast are archetypes that are used to play the different people we meet in the stories we inhabit. The fool is that character outside the conventional. The fool is not bound by the rules of the play like the other characters are and, because of it, the fool can see things the others can’t. In Spain, back in college, I was taking classical voice lessons at a studio where we put on a lyric opera and, in preparation for that production, we gathered on Saturday mornings to do acting exercises. I remember vividly the acting instructor teaching us all Il Zanni, the fool.
Let’s not desire wellness to the exclusion of the others, shall we? Let’s not value fitting in over belonging, OK? Isn’t that our eternal struggle? How to make space for everyone instead of curate the guest list to the exclusion of those we deem unacceptable? Not cool.
The fool reminds us of the need for everyone. The one who sees things different. The one who dances in the rain. The one on meds who sometimes gets off their meds but is still precious and conscious and embodying a beloved member of the whole. Cathy Heller is always reminding us we called each other ‘someone’ in order to remember that we are all some of the ONE. We need everyone to make up the parts of the ONE. We are each waves helplessly mixed into the watery current of the collective with our scars, our hurt, our healed parts, our interdependence and integration. Put as a church lady: The God of heaven and earth created all things and all people and longs for the oneness of all things and all people and, as promised since the fall, God himself would save the world by sending his only son to be the one and final sacrifice for all the world and all people and through Him as a perfect and final offering, restore what had been broken forever and ever. All those made by God and loved by God are longed for by God have access to the oneness of God through Jesus Christ our Lord and will be restored to newness of life and live in flesh and bone eternally in the same way Jesus was resurrected from the dead and restored to life in body and soul. And as prophesied and promised, Jesus will return to earth and establish a new heaven and a new earth where we will live in closeness with our loving God forever. We live in sin’s shadow now, but soon sin will be gone and we will never know darkness again.
The Fool, Il Zanni, reminds us we don’t know as much as we think we know. The fool laughs at the plans and logic of man ever striving to gain what is not his and rule over what will not be ruled. The Fool, because of his weakness, is very very strong. The fool, because of his absurdity, is wise.
So in the middle of making cookies and packing for Europe and driving for football and thawing the roast, consider the scene where the perfect version of us- that sought after well-behaved and self-controlled soldier meets face to face with the broken hidden vulnerable lovelorn version of us and instead of sparring, they embrace. Watch them as they finally come together and cry in each other’s arms finally united after an agonizing separation. Watch as they get the chance to look lovingly and unflinching at the other, lay down their striving and collapse into laughter.