Work: for now it’s packing to go, shopping for groceries to stock the fridge for when I’m gone, practicing my songs and planning for rain. I got me the boots, the rain jacket, the plan for when they lose my luggage. I got the rental car and the friends over there and the excitement of getting to sing my songs. I got some euros and a prayer the plane don’t go down and a notion that maybe I can eek out one more adventure.
On account of this being the season I’m trying to work up a plan to get more work once I get back. Put in my resumes, fill out applications and hope for the best. One shift at a time, one more shift, another shift at a time for paying off what I owe. It’s the American way. Work is a tricky one with me. It’s probably a tricky one for lots of people. I always dreamed of being engaged in meaningful work. I have always longed to have something I can offer the world and I have had small glimpses of what it feels like to do good work and feel like I can contribute.
Past “work” I’ve done that I’ve loved: podcasting, songwriting, making records, playing shows, teaching (within reason).
Once, when I was riffing on my dream life, I told my coach about wanting to pay taxes- how that was part of my dream because it meant that I had earned something and that I was able to pay into the system after so many years spent in the shadows unaccounted for and broke. I don’t particularly want to go wait the tables again, but I sure do long to do something that earns a wage. The question is always what kind of work can I do AND do all the other stuff I said I was going to do also? That seems to point to working nights and lunch shifts that don’t last six hours.
I do get up in my head about work because my natural inclinations don’t naturally favor consistancy, repetition, routine, schedule, guidelines, rules but I do try. I’m willing to try. And try again. And again.
Life: find stuff you like, man. Don’t run away from living and hole up in some cave of pain of your own making, ok? Sound like too much? All I know is it’s easy to tell the neighbors who are hurting. It’s easy to tell who is running from something or missing something they shoulda got early on. It’s easy to see the markers of people who aren’t comfortable in their own skin. Life is about settling in to getting comfortable in your own skin- and that skin might be bruised and banged up a little but life keeps pointing to life. Life has a way of showing up every morning and watching you fall asleep every night. Life has this thing where it grows up through the cracks in the crooked concrete desperate to get your attention. Life is begging you to listen for how soft it is and linger on its calling to the mountains, to the ocean, to the rapid river’s current bounding you toward somewhere if you just give it a chance to run. Find heart, find rest, find recreation and recreate like life does. Find celebration and grace, find gentleness. Don’t be taken in by cynicism or bitterness. Don’t be taken in by ‘this is just how it is.’ Better to pack a bag and wander on walkabout for six months than to surrender to apathy and acedia. Life. There’s nothing apathetic or acedia-ish to breath and heart beats, systems working without asking your permission, seeds scattered onto rocky soil that get a foothold and flourish as best their strong will and desire allow before frost sets in. And that’s you too. You’re a part of that. You’re a part of that runner falling in the final stretch being rescued by two competitors all three arm in arm limping to the finish line in tears. That’s why it makes you cry. You’re a part of that. You’re a part of that little girl getting up in front of full house crowd and singing an old song she only knows from her music teacher making a bunch of adults cry because that song is a lifetime of moments and memories coming from her little simple voice straight to our guts putting human beauty and frailty on full display in one quiet pin-drop instance. You’re a part of that. And those sports docs that get you dreaming? Those waters too blue to be real? You know. You know exactly why they cut you so deep. You know what it feels like to open up that hidden hopeful place and let light in as though perhaps this place is better than you ever imagined and you are freer than you ever thought you could be and you are loved and known so clearly and purely by the One who made you that peaceful slumber is your birthright along with bravery and wonder from now til forever.
Hold those two things in balance. Life and taxes. Songs and Someday. Meet them both at the crossroads and let them in on your plans. High five.