I was not the young mom who loved having little kids. I was not the mom crying at preschool and/or kindergarten drop offs. I wasn’t the mom who wished they all stayed little because I was the mom looking forward to watching them gain independence and grow into the people God created them to be and I had a keen sense that they weren’t me and I wasn’t them and we were a family of unique individuals called to love one another into our next chapters. I laughed at their jokes and I loved when we could all hike the same amount and carry our own water bottles and I loved sending them off to church camp and boy scout camp and youth retreats knowing they were getting a chance to try out the world on their own. If it works, they come home happy with funny stories to tell that belong just to them and their own becoming and I liked being the mom who gave them space to be themselves and venture forth- probably because I like feeling what it’s like to be myself and to venture forth.
And then one day, after all those breakfasts and drop offs and check ins and dinners, the venturing forth outweighs the staying and Next Level Becoming becomes the season and the reason.
You send your first kid off to eollege and you think that’s pretty tough. We all made it to the other side so surely, when the next one leaves, it can’t possibly be as bad.
Oh dear reader, it’s also hard to watch the second leave.
My oldest was so ready to get out that he made it very well known how much he wanted to get out over a period of many months so that the only way for any of us to drop our shoulders and breathe was for him to pack that car and move in to that dorm and, in line with his desire to get out, college move in day was brief, cold and concluded with a parking lot goodbye hug steeped in ‘yeah yeah yeah, just drive away.’ And we gave it to him.
That was three years ago. Little did I know on his Move In Day how much our lives would change and how 20 minutes away from home would turn into 1300 miles from home and all that Becoming would happen without my ever getting to see it.
Watching kids level up is always a good thing. Looking back on all those growing up years gone by is part of the parenting thing. Not knowing what you had when you had it just a heartbreaking human thing and the collision of all three is how it can feel on days like today.
Gotta take the bumper lanes out. Gotta take the water wings off. Gotta let them assume some risk and watch from the edge of the playground without making a move til it’s really necessary. Gotta quit that impulse to swoop in and save and give thanks for what life was like when everyone was still here.
Our second son started college this week. Our youngest starts his senior year in high school on Tuesday. I’m doing that thing where I’m thinking about the past and worrying about the future before it’s even here. Both are bad strategies for peaceful living. But there it is.
Who am I after I’m not a useful mom anymore? Well, I suppose that’s my Next Level Becoming journey right alongside my children’s and, well, isn’t that the journey for all of us? As much as we think things have stayed the same, they never have. As much as we miss what was, it was always a gently flowing stream we thought we could keep tethered to one moment, one bend in the current, one still cool sparkling pond when really it was a slow growing beautiful cultivar not of our own making as much as we wish it were. We’ve been charged with tending the garden, clearing the field, planting and watering and cleaning out the air filters. Of course the day would come when our field is too small a patch of land for what wants to happen next. And isn’t that our story too? And weren’t we those eighteen year old kids just itching for the chance to get out there and explore on our own? And a caretaker’s heart gets used to caring for another and forgetting their own and Moms and Dads, Move In Day for them is MOVING Day for you. Just like we work ourselves out of a job, I think the Good Lord is hinting to me to do the work of becoming who I need to become next. And he gave me three young adult examples to help me get moving. What a beautiful gently flowing stream this life has been. What a lovely, grassy, meandering path to the ocean. I never knew that big briney tidal body of water was this close to me this whole time. Thanks, God.