Around 2018 was when I used the term “The Real Hope Dunbar” for the first time. I used it in connection with a crowdfunding campaign I did to make two studio albums. And I liked it.
When I was feeling particularly “real” in my Hope Dunbar-ness, I invited my friend, Karyn, over to my house at the spur of the moment for an impromptu photo shoot. Together we spent the afternoon in my garage cracking each other up with stupid ideas and funny poses. It was so much fun.
The way I came to understand the Real Hope Dunbar, was to differentiate my strongest clearest most powerful self from the version of myself who had a lot of self-doubt, fear, confusion, overwhelm and tentativeness around her own life. Accessing my real self was a super highway to feeling fearless, powerful, playful, fun, easy, and possessing a clarity for possibility that was palpable. The Real Hope Dunbar just easily walked into a room on gig day, she just automatically showed up when the lights came down and the stage was mine. I knew I’d find her playing music. I knew I’d find her wherever she was that required a passport. She’d show up when the music was on and the kitchen windows were open, when spring came rolling in, when dinner was served on the back patio or when it was cocktail hour and there were flowers. I started getting really aware of what cues prompted real Hope Dunbar strength and confidence to show up on the scene and the cues were certain people, a sense of adventure, a challenge (most of the time), a packed suitcase, a Colorado festival, a chance to work on songs, natural beauty, the sky above me, stuff like that.
But here’s the thing. That Real Hope Dunbar came and went. As fast as she’d enter, she’d disappear and I’d be back to self-doubt and vulnerability. Even when I was feeling free and easy, I sensed the nagging “this is temporary” warning bells ringing somewhere in my head. And this is what I know now that I didn’t then: my true self was fighting a civil war to see who was really reign supreme. Burrito Supreme. Who would reign victorious? The real smallness and getting out of the way Hope Dunbar or the real imperfect open hearted willingness one?
Back and forth and back and forth and around and around I’d go looking for outside circumstances to conjur up my inner strength until one day I realized what my problem was.
All this time, even before 2018, even before I knew to be conscious of any of this, I deep down believed in my weakness MORE than in my worth. I figured out a work around for eclipsing who really truly was my reality. My Personal reality. My personality. And, at the end of the day, as strong as I looked, I handed my chips to one holding back tears. I thought I was right. I thought I understood, but I know now that I was inside some second-class story.
For all my fleeting feelings of clarity and strength, for all my joyful playfulness deep deep down was an ugly truth that I was holding MORE REAL than any freedom I could cling to. The real Hope Dunbar, for so so long, has been the one I’ve been trying to avoid. The one with hurt, the one with old stories from when I was a kid, the one with fear and survival tactics and ways to make it so that people never have to see her. And you know what? If all I ever do is find ways to make it so that no one sees the real REAL HOPE DUNBAR? Well, that sucks. That’s a pretend freedom that feels like a nice vacation, but it inevitably ends and sends me right back to where I don’t want to be. However, I do want to be in process and continually learning and willing to let go of whatever old version of me that might be getting in the way.
And the old version, the old real Hope Dunbar is getting buried in the ground now. I’ve decided.
The evolution of the real Hope Dunbar has finally brought me to this new place where the weakness has become the illusion and the clarity is the only thing left to embrace. The ghosts of my old self can go haunt someone else’s playground. Here’s what I’m gonna do.
I’m going to be the Real Hope Dunbar and, it turns out, she’s the one with the clear vision and the strong arms and the playfulness and fun. She’s the one who’s going to wrap her love and wisdom around those younger selves of her’s without any need to hide them away or try to make them stay quiet, but with love and care, the Real Hope Dunbar is going to let them heal and integrate into this mature woman’s self. What else is a grown up gonna do but give herself permission to be grown and to carry all those vulnerable versions of her younger selves with love and compassion, tenderness and care. No shame, no hiding, no believing in the survival tactics of a little kid she still listens to every now and again. I’m a leader. I’m open hearted. I know my own mind and I know what I’m capable of. I know what love is and know how to use. What else would I possibly use my time for?
Now I know. I never was that scared girl, I just felt her terror and responded with instinct. Now I know I’m the one who will save the day with my real hands and my real heart and my real life undivided. The war is over. Peace reigns. The God of heaven and earth has called me redeemed and set me free so I’m gonna see what freedom’s got for me from now on. I don’t care if it sounds crazy, I know what real is. High five.