F.E.A.R.
Fear Expressed Allows Relief. I heard this acronymn while listening to a recent Tim Ferriss podcast episode with Anne LaMotte. She said she learned it in A.A. and I think they are wise words to keep close.
What does fear make us do? Fear makes us hide, assume a defensive stance, protect our hearts, sacrifice authenticity for some second-rate tactic that may lead to more fear in an effort to stay safe.
I’d say my blog is essentially born from this notion: Fear expressed allows relief.
In the final days of this 23 day blog-a-thon, fear has me tangled up in something other than blue and trying to work my way out again. And again and again and again.
Wins: More running, more water, less hunger, allowing the shaking loose of past hurt, allowing it to come to the surface and exist, allowing for tears and caterpillar-in-a-chrysalis-type goo being, resisting shame but only kind of, noticing the shame and being aware of how it works (it perpetuates fear, everybody. It loves fear and loves people staying in fear). Having no desire whatsoever for the chips or cookies in the snack cabinet. Thinking about the ice cream in the freezer and realizing I don’t actually want it. Asking myself what I would really want instead? I would want some small exquisite dessert beautifully plated and served to me in a Tuscan garden. I would want a lovely plate of scallops and something that goes with scallops with a nice glass of wine in a quiet tiny restaurant perhaps somewhere in Spain beside the ocean. Neither of those things are possible so forget it. I don’t want dessert.
I’m still that Enneagram 4w3- the clown car of personality assessments. I still feel those fears of being too much, too loud, too embarrassing for people near me. I played two shows this past weekend and, afterward, I immediately felt guilt and shame for even wanting to get up there. Why can’t I be a quiet polite organized woman in a tea-length Laura Ashley and off-white pumps or something? THen God would love me. Then I’d be worthy. Then I could live and be allowed to be here. There’s that comparison cryptonite. There’s that ‘there’s something fundamentally wrong with me’ core belief. Oh how frail the human heart!
(Fear expressed allows relief). I’m scared. I’m scared of having to admit I don’t think I’ve lost any weight since last week. I’m scared to step on a scale because I’m scared to face the truth of my not being a badass. I’m scared to admit I still measure worth in pounds and inches and desperately want more worth by earning weight lost. I’m scared to confess that my warrior spirit floated away some time in the night and I awoke fearful and without purpose acutely aware of my obsolete status as my children and family have less and less use for me and my domestic ways. What does a clown car human do when she has no career and no skills, no work history and can’t lose 2 pounds to reach goal? I’m scared. I have fear. I thought I knew what to do, but I don’t. I could use some help.
Allows Relief. I can allow relief to exist in the storm. Hey Storm, have a seat. Hey Relief, take a chair. Let’s work this out. Let’s see where we can start a campaign for something other than Fear and Shame.
How ‘bout this: It’s not August first yet. I started doing this work in April and I have no plans for quitting. I am not working toward perfection, I am working toward completion of a long-term goal. I have made good and permanent changes worth acknowledging and protecting even if this week hasn’t gone so well. I don’t throw out progress just because I’m not “feeling it” today. “Feeling it” is not a great strategy, everyone. Living from a place of “feeling it” guarantees that fear will hijack some days, anger, resentment, depression, guilt, regret, will all take their turns railroading your plans. Somewhere above the “feeling it” strategy is something like, awareness of what you’re feeling and asking yourself if you’re cool with that plan. If you’re not cool with it, then you can ask, “and what else is available to me?” Relief. Fear expressed allows relief.
The shame of fear and stuckness is nothing compared to the grace and freedom felt in loosening shame’s grip. I’m OK with knowing it’ll capture me over and over again. I have a tendency toward it, I have a long relationship with it. Instead of deciding to abolish it forever, I’m going to look at it. I’m going to look at it and then ask what else there is to access. I’m going to do that over and over again. I’m going to expose hidden things to light things over and over again. I’m going to work on strengthening my relief muscles. I hope you do too. Have a great day.