Hey my friends. Let’s log some wins:
Good run, lots of water, wanted ice cream and didn’t eat it, played a show live in person and didn’t die, did some super hard therapy work this week that handed my ass to me and then I handed my ass right back and said, “Not today, Satan.” Of course I cried and journaled like any action film star would after the building blows up and they shoot that helicopter out of the sky. That’s part of being a badass.
Diet thinking wants me to think I’m not working hard enough. I’m not hardcore enough in my celery and sadness quotient so I better run more and feel bad about myself.
WELLNESS Thinking has me logging wins, writing down my food, staying focused and not burning out. I’ve got a long way to go and I’m sure as hell not quitting now. Wellness thinking asks, “Hey what else is there that we could punch in the face and add to our kill necklace?” (gross, Hope. That’s so gross) I think the answer is found in thing that feel more like living and fewer things that feel like dying.
(Oh here she goes on her life-death-life rant again)
You’re darn right I’m on the life-death-life rant again. Buckle up. When therapy has you ugly crying out on the run and feeling all the feels you’ve been putting off for 20 years, when looking at your younger self and wishing you could tell her she didn’t look like a bridge troll, she looked like a nice 16 year girl back in the day and to go ahead and not feel so guilty about eating food? You feel those missed years at easy breathing, you cry for its loss and you let the 44 year old version of yourself remember that these bones turning into blubber and this heart melting into liquid are not the end of the story. I’m not shedding armor in order to get stab murdered by history and tears and getting over my bullshit. I’m shedding this to usher in New Adam alchemy.
You cannot kick your ass into peace and freedom. You cannot punish yourself into wholeness. I can’t allow diet thinking to do what I want to happen (which, to remind the reader, is be at the size I want to be, feel totally myself and free to achieve the things I believe to be important, not let old shame limit my current life). Instead I have (get) to choose grace, wholeness, trust and knowing this isn’t the end of the story, it’s a transition into a new version of it. Life- what feels like a death- deeper truer life.
What does the weight of human flesh fitting into a pant size have anything to do with that? Kinda everything. The way I’ve treated myself since age 5 is a thing I carry around with me. 39 years later, if I’m going to rest in Gospel freedom for my last 44 years, then my relationship with my human flesh, my heart and soul, my place in the kingdom is the work. What do Peanut butter sandwiches have to do with eternity? Nothing. They have nothing to do with eternity and now my job it to tell all my past and present versions of myself that message over and over again until it sticks.